Domo. :D

trust.
its a difficult thing to manage in this world. especially since people all over the world are starting to be overly xenophobic and distrustful of everyone around them. but as our society evolves so, its no wonder this happens.

and why this happens is because in pursuit of being the first in the rat race, many of us have abandoned baggage in order to become lighter, to run faster than other rats. unfortunately these baggage, are forgiveness, tolerance, moral values, sincerity, honesty, and so on and so forth.

its not to say everyone is aiming to run ahead in the rat race, or that everyone has forsook all these. that will be too extreme.
but I believe many people, including me, have weighed all these against their own desires. and sometimes, their desires may have won out. with all these values not as treasured or as emphasized by society, its not surprising why people are suspicious and distrusting towards others. what has our world become?

相信一个人需要勇气。
很多人可能认为容易信任别人傻。
但是最有勇气的其实是这些人。

its been long since i chilled out so much.

i dropped my books the day my exam ended,

some of them are still on my table where its waiting for me to clear them to

the top of my cupboard.

i totally couldnt even be bothered to pack them in.

i just made my table barely clear of enough stuff for my mum to be

tolerant enough of the "mess", then left the stuffs as it is.

haha. becoming lazy.

and im having a good break.

watching tv.

not turning on my laptop. ((:

but these 2 weeks are pretty busy.

cause im leaving for holidays soon.

so a tad hectic for this period.

but im sure when im back im more free to catch up with my frens.

jap starts on fri. T.T

dieeeee. its been so long since i touched jap... @_@

i honestly cant rmb the last time i had a fierce argument with my mum.

with my dad its worse, its either silence or volcano. and it both me and dad volcano erupting at the same time. cause my parents really. know where it hurts worse when it comes to arguing.

i dunno when i started to learn,

to forgive and relent. to understand my parent's pain and motivations.

but sometimes, maybe some will say childish times,

i still stick to my beliefs and principles, and ideals, and refuse to relent.

i admit some decisions i made despite opposition i will never regret.

shooting is one of them.

i had a lot of pain, anguish going through a lot of things before i could shoot.

and i endured through all of it.

because i really liked shooting.

even though now im not shooting anymore, cause i didnt want to have an

additional thing to constantly argue with mum, and i didnt have cca as an excuse.

but i didnt regret all that i have been through.

thats exactly why.

the day of nationals. i cried.

in front of my team mates, ms fau, my cca teachers, the coach.

when i hated to cry in public, with ppl around.

cause i was indignant. and irritated that despite all that.

i was blamed for my result.

and the reason was. i didnt work hard enough or train enough.

pah. everyone knew my sacrifices, except her.

the one who blamed me for her failure. (not my mum. some person i cant name for various reasons. )

even with all this, i regret making alot more. doing a lot of things due to spite.

not giving enough thought to what im saying or doing as i was emotionally upset.

some close frens tell me im outsidely happy but deep inside im a super emo kid.

maybe its cause of the frustrations i get as a kid, hidden deep within.

despite many years of being able to release it, i guess i havent learnt.

im not saying i have bad parents.

it just, we didnt learn how to communicate properly even after 20 years.

i realised i learnt to bypass her arguments, instead of directly addressing it.

and time and again, i lost the chance to learn how to communicate properly.

because i got agitated, because i was upset that i got hit at a raw nerve again.

like i told my brother. i dont get angry at people i dont care for.

i dont see the need to.

i dont like to argue with people. i complain. sure i do.

i know its a bad habit i need to kick.

but i avoid conflicts at all costs.

people who piss me off, i treat them as invisible.

if there is a need, i will be cordial.

but i wun argue with them, unless i happen to be in a really bad mood.

cause their not worth my breath.

but. i need to learn to grow up,

stop being so childish,

to learn to let go.

even if i feel it isnt right.

cause it's family.

cracks that are made.

even if glue is used to patch them up,

the groundwork has been gone.

i seem to have a 3 month holiday. seem.

but after agar-ly plotting out the time lines of the various activities...

i think. my holiday shrank. i dunno if i even have any time for myself. T.T

oh well. i chose this. persevere.

tmr last ppr. FINALLY. hell is going to end soon. XD

saw a NS man walk past me at the mrt station.

suddenly thought of you.

wanted to msg, to ask, as a friend,

to check how are you,

how are uni applications.

somehow didnt dare to.

maybe its cause i didnt feel like i was in the position to msg.

maybe its cause i didnt really feel the need to knock myself

off the equilibrium i finally managed to reach.

no need to make myself randomly upset and in the end

upsetting other ppl as well.

plus, i was afraid you wouldnt reply,

or reply with a nonchalent tone, and somehow it might affect me again.

now its as if we are strangers again.

i feel more comfortable msging a stranger than to type out a msg to you,

and successfully press the 'send' button.

amazing isnt it. how people can become strangers so easily.

trying hard to pretend the person never existed.

or trying hard to avoid meeting the person again for various reasons.

not that im emoing.

this is just a random thinking session...

just felt crushed that even after so long,

i still find it a struggle to ask a simple 'how are you'.

tired studying 1102. i tink im really drained out alr.

saturation point. i cant seem to absorb annything anymore. )):

when are my holidayysss cominggg? DDDDD:

just try my best for tmr ppr baaaa.

happy 2 months mr endangered. :D

im draining outtttttttttttt.

my holiday is 3 days away.

but i dont feel the enthusiasm of having holidays yet.

cause i have still 2 walls to cross till u get there.

the worse thing is, i seem to lack the energy to scale the wall.

i just wanna sit at the corner and gasp at how tall the wall is.

T.T im lacking the momentum to muggggggg.

not like i dont want to. i just cant get back the rhythmmm.

))))):

last 2 pprs liao. hooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww?

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:

Order Made - by Radwimps

Kitto boku wa tazuneraretandarou
Umareru mae dokoka no dareka ni
Mirai to kako dochira ka hitotsu wo
Mireru you ni shite ageru karasa
Dochi ga ii? Dochi ga ii?

Soshite boku wa kako wo erandandayo
Tsuyoi hito yori, yasashii hito ni
Nareru you ni, naremasu you ni to
Omoi de tte nandaka wakaru you ni

Tsudukete dareka san wa boku ni iu
Ude mo, aishi mo, kuchi mo, mimi mo, me mo
Shinzou mo, oppai mo, hana no ana mo
Futatsudutsu tsukete ageru kara ne
Iidesho? Iidesho?

Dakedo boku wa onegai shitanda yo
Kuchi wa hitotsu dake de iindesu to
Boku ga hitori de kenkashinaiyou ni
hitori to dake kisu ga dekiru you ni

Wasuretai, demo wasurenai, konna omoi wo nanto yobu no kai?

Sukoshi fukigen na kao no sono hito wa
Mata shikata naku hanashi hajimeta
Ichiban daiji na shinzou wa sa
Ryoumune ni tsukete ageru kara ne
Iidesho? Iidesho?

Matamata boku wa onegaishitanda
Osore irimasu ga kono boku ni wa
Migigawa no shinzou wa iri masen
Wagamama bakari itte sumimasen
Boku ni taisetsu na hito ga dekite
Sotto dakishimeru toki hajimete
Futatsu no kodou ga chanto mune no
Ryougawa de naru no gawa karu you ni

Hidari wa boku no de, migi no wa kimi no
Hidari wa kimi no de, migi wa boku no
Hitori ja doko ka kaketeru you ni
Hitori de nado ikiteikanai you ni

Wasuretai, demo wasurenai
Konna omoi wo nanto yobu no kai?
Mune ga sawagashii, demo natsukashii
Konna omoi wo nanto yobu no kai?

Souieba saigo ni mou hitotsu dake
Namida no opushon (option) wo tsukeyou ka
Nakutemo zenzen shishou wa naikedo
Ryoutou dakaratte tsukenai hito mo iru yo
Dousuru? Dousuru?

Soshite boku wa onegai shitandayo
Tsuyoi hito yori, yasashii hito ni
Nareru you ni, naremasu you ni to
Taisetsu tte nandaka wakaru you ni
Jaa, chinami ni namida no ajidake doomo
Kimi no suki na aji wo erandeyo
Suppaku shitari, shoppakushitari
Karaku shitari, amaku shitari
Doredemo suki nano wo erande yo
Dochi ga ii? Dochi ga ii?

Nozomi doori subete ga kanaerareteiru no desho
Dakara namida ni kureru sono kao chanto misete yo
Saa hokorashige ni misete yo

Hontou ni arigatougozaimashita
Iro iro otekazu wo kakemashita
Saigo ni hitotsu dake ii desu ka?
Dokkade oai shita koto arimasu ka?

English translation :

I think I must have been asked this once.
Before I was born, by someone, somewhere.
"Choose one: the past, or the future,
And I will allow you to see it.
Which will it be?
Which will it be?"

And I probably decided on the past.
So that, rather than just strong, I could become kind, become kind.
So that I could understand what memories are.

Next, that 'somebody' told me this.
"I'll give you arms and legs and mouths and ears and eyes,
Hearts and breasts and nostrils.
I'll give you two of each one.
Isn't that great?
Isn't that great?"

But then I made a request.
I said, I'd be fine with just one mouth.
So I wouldn't argue with myself;
So I could only kiss one person.

I want to forget.
But somehow, I can't.
What do you call this kind of feeling?

Looking a little disappointed,
The person continued with his explanation.
"The hearts are most important,
So I'll put one behind each of your breasts.
Isn't that great?
Isn't that great?"
　
But, once more, I had a request to make.
I'm awfully sorry, but to be honest,
I really don't need a heart on the right.
Sorry to keep troubling you like this.

It's so that when I find that one special person,
And hold her close to me for the first time,
Only then will I finally be able to feel
Two hearts beating, one on each side.

The left one mine, the right, yours.
The left one yours, the right, mine.
So that alone, I'll always be lacking something.
So that I won't be able to just go on living alone.

I want to forget.
But somehow, I can't.
What do you call this kind of feeling?

My chest is pounding,
Yet somehow it seems familiar.
What do you call this kind of feeling?

"Ah, that reminds me, there's one last thing.
Would you like us to add in tears as well?
You'd have no problems without them,
But some people find them annoying, so they opt out.
What would you like?
What would you like?"

In the end, I asked him to add them in.
So that, rather than just strong, I could become kind, become kind.
So I could understand what it means to hold something dear.

"Oh, while we're at it, the tears will need a flavour.
So I'd just like you to choose which one you'd prefer.
We have sour, salty, spicy, sweet.
You can choose whichever you like.
Which will you have?
Which will you have?"

Everything was put together just as requested,
So wipe those tears away and let me see your face.
Come on, show it to me with pride.

Thank you so much for everything.
Sorry to have caused you so much trouble.
But could I just ask one last thing?
"Have we met somewhere before?"